We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.