911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count