Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk