[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?