Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Last-minute gift idea!
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Very good news from my accountant
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours