A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”