Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
You Might Also Like
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve