[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]