Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
💁🏻♂️
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.