My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables