“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.