Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.