Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.