[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.