TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You Might Also Like
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.