Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Whoa 😂
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.