I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look