Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
It’s on my to-do list.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.