On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THATâS IT. IâM GOING HOME.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, âAm I Hannah?â
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
that de-escalated quickly
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
đđ
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My daughterâs principal made a surprise visit to every 5th graderâs house to hand out âclass of 2020â bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you havenât lived until youâve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kidâs principal.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Hmmmmm
Me: đ” mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: đ” just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**