When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
🌱🌱🌱
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.