Dammit Chief not again
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ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter