Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
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“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)