So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
He a real one for that
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Attacked by a mop.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Velcrow
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic