9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My dating profile:
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????