My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Saturday
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.