[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.