Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses