All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.