*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My new favorite headline
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I’m giving up ice.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.