…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*