Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.