Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
That eye roll….
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Cake safety first. Always.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.