tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
i’m still crying at this
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader