Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Smile they said.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall