My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.