“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.