This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
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Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged