My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You learn something every day
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Seems a bit forward
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: