My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act