[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.