(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.