*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope