asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Have kids, they said
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Donkey Kong sommelier
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*