ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly