[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
this is literally a CIA plant
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.