Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
bears
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.