I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you