Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Mistakes were made
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut