Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Not😆🤣
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠