My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*